Withdrawn

At what point do I start to understand that no one wants to relate to me?

I have put a lot of effort into meeting people and making connections. It never matters, though. I don't have what it takes to attract people. They never want to be around me voluntarily. As long as I entertain them, that's great. But if I have a need or if I am experiencing difficulty, that's apparently repulsive, or too much to deal with, or something...because they always smile politely and then retreat.

It's breaking my heart to try and fail like this.

My life is very solitary now, but I'm considering withdrawing even more. I'm not sure I can endure trying to connect and never actually making any connection.

I just don't want to admit to myself that I won't be able to have any meaningful connections with people. What more evidence do I need, though?

Fifteen Minutes

I'm a fifteen minute girl
good for a laugh or a fuck
but nothing in between
or nothing beyond

my anniversaries
are commemorations of loss
here it began
there it ended
too little in between
and nothing beyond

my expiration date
always coincides with
the moment I start to care

Burnt

Scorched soul
soaked in scalding tears
delicate ash dissolves
like dreams

Splintered barren
stumps
blistering indifference
acid rain to slake the draught

First responders
slumber on
smiling sweetly
diseased, misshapen hope

Shrunken lungs,
Airless, breathless
gasping despair
third degree

These are the thoughts...

Alanis has a song that starts out "These are the thoughts that go through my head in my backyard on a Sunday afternoon."

I'm thinking along those lines...only the thoughts are going through my head while I'm unsuccessfully sleeping in my bed in the wee hours of Monday morning. I think Alanis would understand.

My head has been exploding repeatedly for the last two hours.

I am sleepless and furious, frustrated, forlorn.

There is no room for me...not anymore.

I wonder have I passed from merely invisible to non-existant?

I have clearly not paid attention.

I try so hard to help, and to matter, yet I do neither.

I would not be missed.

The more I want the less there is.

How am I *not* inconsequential? Honestly?

Most are content to take and never give.

I am deceived when I believe.

I can hear the shotgun sound of cracking ice.

Note to self: it never lasts.

Another note to self: it's never real.

I should put others out of my misery.

Nobody really means it, least of all your family.

If I have a need and I tell someone, they won't hear it.

My needs are never important, either, just everyone else's.



smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller...nearly nothing....

Not Allowed

Sleeplessness is not what I've ordered for tonight, and yet it has arrived.

It seems I am in familiar waters, deep and cold and exhausting.

Why do I always swim in circles?

Transparency is required of me, and yet I must make out shapes that lurk behind the opaque.

Contents may have shifted during flight.

Inconsequential again...and again...and again.

Strange. I don't remember how I got back in the water.

All nighter

Another all nighter. No cleaning or organizing this time. Wrestling with angels...and demons.

I've gone to bed twice in the last hour, but couldn't find any sleep. I ended up coming back to this screen for one thing or another, and finally I decided just to give in and blog.

My life is so small these days. My social life has diminished and is mostly online. And being between jobs, I see virtually no one during the day as I used to. My online friends and relationships keep me from plunging off the deep end, though.

I ventured into town today to apply for a job I wanted. I was amazed to find that I was ... unnerved while I filled out the application. I wanted to finish the paperwork as quickly as possible and get back home. That's not like me in the least. The application itself was an encouragement, though. They didn't ask me why I'd left my last position. Hopefully, they don't care.

Going into town isn't something I enjoy doing any more. I can count on one had the number of times I've been to the local Wal Mart this year. Many of my forays into Wallyworld happen in the wee hours - mostly to reduce the risk of running into anyone I know.

It's not just the outside world that is tricky these days; the inner landscape is a bit scorched and heaving, too.

I realize I haven't wanted to see the full extent of my reality. The realizations regarding my family that followed this weekend have shaken me. I'm starting to realize that what my fist is clenched tightly about...the thing I think I'm holding onto so fiercely...isn't really there.

I truly admire people who are different...unique...unconventional. People who do and say and feel whatever makes sense to them. Unapologetically. I want to be that person, myself. I always have. I have never felt *able* to do that, though. I am now realizing there is a cost for wanting to, but never doing.

I find myself, in these wee hours when sleep rejects me, wondering what my life would be like if I actually ran it. If I were my own arbiter. That thought is dizzying. For a great many reasons. Exciting dizzy. Terrfying dizzy. Tempting dizzy.

I need to know what honor means. I need to know that life is short. I need to know that I can decide. I need to prepare for the hurricane...to board up what can be protected, and to reconcile what will be lost.

all relative

Weekends with visiting family. Enough said, right?

I suppose somewhere there are families who don't annoy each other and who have interesting conversations. That has never been my experience.

I'm going to forgo the ultimately boring details of the last visit, though. Following a conversation with my girlfriend, I've had a realization about how I interact with my family.

I asked my girlfriend why it is that people must talk incessantly about insurance premiums and car buying tips and remodeling techniques. That has always bored me to the extreme, but it seems that's all most people are willing to discuss. Previously I thought this was a function of my locality, and it probably is. The fact of the matter, though, is that this will *always* be the case with my family.

After we discussed that a bit, she asked me, "Well, what do you want them to talk to you about?" Which was an excellent question. And I thought about that. I would rather discuss ideas...books...movies...almost politics and religion if there weren't so much bigotry to contend with in those realms. But that won't happen. I'm the only one inclined toward those things (well, ideas, books, and movies anyway), so it's not something they participate in or share with me.

Consequently, my entire interaction with my family consisted of me just joking around. Most anything I had to say was in the smart-ass vein. I might as well have held a garbage can lid out in front of me to keep them at bay. Because we can't discuss the mundane things of life, it seems we have nothing to talk about...and I revert to some sort of game show host persona to endure the family event.

Blech.

And even on a day-to-day basis with the relatives that are local...the topics of conversation are so limited and shallow. The goings on in the back yard, the weather, what's new in the lives of friends and mutual acquaintances, what's going on with my dog. Not really the stuff of strong bonds.

Not sure what to make of this ghost of a relationship.

Send Paramedics

Ugh. The love/hate relationship I have with technology has swung over to "hate". Maybe I just hate weather. I'm not sure; you decide.

Sunday night there was an incredibly violent thunderstorm that reached its fiery fingers inside my phone line and fried my computer. I had faint hope on Monday; the computer techs said it might just be a bad modem or bad power supply. When I took the carcass to them today...bad news. Motherboard malfunction...at least.

This could not have occurred at a *worse* time. It's impossible to job-hunt without search engines these days. And money is most assuredly an object at this time. Like I said - timing could NOT be worse.

Being without electricity is uncomfortable;all the things I think of to do require electricity. Even sitting quietly to read is a chore, at least with flickering candlelight. Being without a computer makes me even more twitchy. I need to shop for a new computer...but can't do that since my computer is fried. I need to go over the want ads again, but can't. I need to know what movie whatsername was in and why her face looks familiar...no IMDB for me. I can't even tweak my resume or send it out...no word processing, no email. And I can just forget a good old game of Drop!

Now I have to procure a new computer *and* a job...and get the car looked at. Oy. Not to mention my little escape to NY this weekend. I'll need a vacation when I return, I'm sure.